Long distance calls

"Long distance please"
"How can I assist you ma'am?"
"Don't call me ma'am. Heaven, please. I want to speak with my Grandma Annette"
"Excuse me, ma'am"
"Heaven, Grandma Annette, don't call me ma'am"
"Well, it's just, well, that's really long distance"
"Can you connect me or not?"
"One moment please"

click click, bzzzz Click bzz bzz bzzz

"Your party is on the line."

"Ann!! Happy birthday!! How did you find me? Oh I am so proud of you! I've been watching and you're doing a great job honey. But wait, why are you calling? Are you okay? Everything seems okay from where I see it? What's the matter sweetheart?"

When grandma speaks, it's always as if someone put every forth word of the sentence on a streaching machine. How I have missed that!

"Oh Grama" I sob. "I cant believe I got through. It's so good to hear your voice."

In a whisper, I say out loud, "I thought I forgot what is sounded like. I didn't forget."

"Oh Grandma." There are more tears. I try not to let her hear me cry.

"What's the matter honey?" "Don't cry, come tell grama what's wrong"

"It's dad and my sister and the new baby, Kaleigh. Grama, dad is there every week and he hasn't even seen my kids more than twice this year. What's wrong with me? The kids are doing so well, Zach has got a great part in this play and Elizabeth has high honors. They are such good kids. "

My dad is a recovering alcoholic with 25 years of sobriety. I know, I just blew his anninimity, more proof I'm a bad daughter. You see, I can live my life with out the crisis drama mode that my sibling lives in. My sibling is the real normal one. Doctorate, home in the affluent burb,s and a new baby with colic.

So... my point... my dad has gone to visit my sibling and the new grand child more times in the past month than he has come to visit me in the past 12 years. No lie, no exaggerations. It usually doesn’t get me down, but with my birthday coming up, every kid on the honor roll in the house and other activities going on-- it seems my normal life doesn’t fit in with their drama centered lives.

My voice changes, the tears stop and I feel my face turning red.

"Granma, I've done it all right. I have a good job, a house, a good man. We have an exchange student this year. I've risen above the poverty and the drugs that dad and mom were into. I stopped the cycle"

"I know sweetheart, I know."

"But grand ma! Why doesn't he come to see my kids? What is it? It's always been this way, even since I was little. I'm going to be ... Well you know how old I'm going to be... And I still want the attention, and I still don't get it. I've done everything' well, maybe not right, but I've come out okay. I just don't understand Granma. It's like they don't want to see me. Why don't they want to see me? Even when I offer to see them, they say they are busy. Why? Grandma please tell me why."

"Shhhhh... Do you want me to sing to you? Like I use to ?? "

She sings "No body loves me
Every body hates me
I'm going to eat some worms"

I start to cry again. I can't hold it back and I know she can hear it. My relationship with my grandmother was so powerful. To have the perspective of someone 60+ years older than you is so cool!

"No Granma"

I'm defeated, I can't be mad when she sings that song. I can't feel sorry for myself either. I just can sob and listen when she sings that. There's that same release, like when I was 5 years old. I feel lighter. Granma is here-- funny never really said "Grandma" it was ususally Granma. Granma knows everything. She's never lied to me. I even know what she is going to say. Cause she has said it all to me before. Before Kaliegh was born, before she died, before I had kids, even before I graduated high school and moved out on my own. I knew what was coming, but I wanted to hear it from her. I just need to hear it again.

"Honey, you know we never had to worry about you. Not since you were a little gril. You've always had what it takes to make it on your own, honey. We all loved you for that, but to be honest I think you dad and sister sometimes get jealous. It's just easer for them. They kind of like being sick together."


I really want my kids to have a relationship like I had with Granma, but they won't. They'll have a stable home, parents who aren’t in jail, and very little of the crisis love that my family still thrives on—but they wont have GRANMA!!!

"But granma, maybe I want some one to worry about me!!!"

"Don't you remember, even when you were little? You always knew what you wanted. You wouldn't let anything stop you. Oh and you trusted and loved people so much! Even when they lied to you! Even when your family lied to you sweetheart, remember? How you would defend them? And when you found out, you just let it go? "

"Let it go now honey. They do love you. It's just hard for them. They think your life is perfect. They don't want to know how hard you've worked. Just keep doing what your doing. Call them, tell them you love them. Remember, only dogs get mad sweetie."

"I never did understand what you meant by that Grandma."

"Honey, I never had to worry about you. Don't you worry about you. Just be yourself. You're fine honey. Your a good person. Your father and sister love you. And if they don't well Vaffanculo ! Hey?"


"Grandma?"
"Yes"
"I love you"
"I love you too but listen, I'm going to go dance the Charleston with that ice cream man I told you about"
"What about grandpa?"
"oh honey, you really don't want to know"
"your probably right"

"This call must be costing you a fortune. You take care of yourself and kiss that handsome man of yours for me! Ask him if he remembers carrying me down the stairs that one time. Boy, he's got some nice arms! Oh and the kids! tell them how proud I am. An let whattheshithisnameis.. Oh it's like the grocery store, right? Jewel? Your exchange student. Well let him know from what I see up here, there are people back home who miss him so he should send out those post cards. Okay?"

"Okay Grandma"

"Granma"

"Ya honey?"

"Thank you."