I had my first class yesterday. LGMC orientation. I got there just as the bell rang. I almost missed the turn off. It was stressful. My deodorant had to work overtime.

As I walked throughout the door of this large retreat center I was greeted by a thin woman in a white silk blouse. She smiled, shook my hand, and sent me down the hall.

I was greeted by another LGMC graduate who directed me to an elevator.

Down to the meeting room to watch the people mingle. At this time I was glad I didn't dress "casual" as the instructions had said. Ties, suits, dresses, skirts... yep, I'm glad I went with the heals and skirt.

I signed in and was greeted by Fran, who interviewed me for the program. I took my bag and examined the circular tables in the room. Being that I had arrived at 4:01, most of the seats were already taken. There was an empty table in the corner and a table close to the podium that had two seats with books and note pads by them. I opted for the table in front as not to isolate myself.

It took a few minutes for the conversation around the table to reach a lull so I could introduce myself. Nancy and Rob sat at my table. Nice folks, I thought. We had a mutual acquaintance too. Follow this if you can... Julien, my AFS son, is going to homecoming with the daughter of one of the employees at the bank that they work at. Interesting hu? It is a small world.

The meeting started and Roger, the program director, did a great job of making us feel relaxed and special. He went over a few things in the course and introduced several alumni who also spoke.

Not bad, I thought. I still wasn't quite sure what to expect but this seems to be okay.

Our next exercise was the getting to know you part of the day. We paired up, and with a list of predetermined questions we interviewed the person next to us. We then introduced them to the rest of the class.

As I interviewed Nancy the one thing she was admit about was that I not use her title: VP of Community Banking. I found she was previously a President of a community bank, before it was bought by a larger company.

I volunteered to go first and, if I do say so myself, did an excellent job introducing her. Public Speaking comes easy to me. I usually do best with an improptu speech and an outline... so this was good.

However, my enthusiasms began to wind down as the interviews and introductions continued.

CEO
CFO
PRESIDENT
VICE PRESIDENT
HEAD ENGINEER
Founder
COORDINATOR
MBA
PHD

I began to feel my heart sink inside my body. I have never felt so out of place. I don't even have a college education! No degree! I was lucky to get out of Logan Square alive. I was lucky I wasn't pregnant at 16. I was lucky I didn't end up dead in an alley somewhere. What the F*** am I doing here??

I hoped the 6 shades of red weren't too obvious to the crowd. I was glad I was sitting in front at this point. It was easy to look at the projector and pretend I was taking a note or two.

Four weeks ago, when I had my interview, I felt that even if I didn't receive the scholarship I was still worthy of the program. During the interview process, I felt confident. I am a leader in my community. I help where I can. Things are good for me. Today, I felt small, insignificant and inadequate.

Then the pivotal moment. The schedule was again placed on the overhead. Roger repeated theses words about 6 times "Ten Months"

At that point, it dawned on me. The significance of this on a higher plane. When I applied for this program in the summer, I confessed to a friend I felt something big was going to happen. When I was accepted the scholarship, I wasn't sure if this was the big thing.

coinciding with my acceptance, we received word of Julien's arrival as an addition to our family for "10 months".

For one moment of my life, just one passing moment, I was Julien.

I no longer empathise with his situation, I wasn't just watching it, I was in it. I was set in a foreign land with foreign people and limited contact to my family. It is a ten month commitment. The work will be hard. I really understand. It was more than strange, it was eerie. 10 months, both of us, all of us. What can happen in 10 months?

The end of the lecture brought as sense of relief to my soul. We mingled downstairs. I created small talk with those in the non profit industry. I found that even though they out educated me, they at least had similar philosophies regarding the greater good.

When I arrived home the house was empty. I took the opportunity to sing into the Karoke machine, hoping to relieve some of the stress I was feeling. It wasn't easy.

I picked up the boys, had a glass of wine and shared with them my feeling on the whole thing. Both know me as a confident women. It felt good to let them know I even have moments of doubt.

Julien looked at me and told me what I have been telling him for the last four weeks.
It will be fine
You'll do great
You've got what it takes
They picked you
You got the scholarship
They want you there
Do your best
It will be okay

God has some great things in store for this family over the next 10 month. I pray I can follow his path and divine plan.

Divine, that is how this whole thing feels-- like a Divine working.

Did I a mention I am scared?