Fitting in and the rules of poverty

My 12 year old son is having a ruff time of it. He is gifted, musically talented, a phenomenal actor, and does not fit in with the other 12 yr old boys.

In a small town things really revolve around sports like football, baseball and wresting. Zach is in track, but that doesn't seem to count as much; plus he is not a star athlete.

I can’t help but to think back and know how I felt just the same way when I was 12. I didn't fit in. The big difference -- the households and our family life. Our family situations are very different due to the gambling, drinking and general dysfunction. My inadequacy at school was not something that was discussed. No one really cared. It was more important to survive and be sure that no one got close. To hide our troubles.

I just had to suck it up.

There were the other rules that were more important than my fitting in. Here are a few examples

• Don’t flush the toilet at night, the drunk might wake up

• If you can’t wake up mom from her nap-- or if she leaves a note on the table and tells you to read it in 2 hours, call 911

• Tear all receipts on the way home from school shopping, so items can’t be taken back for cash later.

• Cash your check before you bring it home so you can take 20% off the top without letting anyone know.

• You can never go to a friends house 'cause they may ask embarrassing questions like “what do your parents do for a living?”.

• The landlord doesn’t come to visit. He comes to inspect or collect-- don’t let him in.

• You can only have friends over at lunch time, everyone is sober at noon or they are already out drinking.

With this kind of stuff going on, there was no time to think about me. But all I can do is wonder what, if anything, would have helped me get through the whole pre-teen thing any easier.

I thought participation and encouragement would have helped me, so I am trying that with my son. But he still comes home crying. It makes me cry too. I just keep telling him I love him and that it will get better-- it did get better. Really Zach, it is already so much better than it once was.