A Billy Joel Kind of Day

As I write this, I am avoiding the dishes in the sink. They are staked higher then they should be and I don't want to do them. They will wait.

Julien read my blog last night. He read the part before our talk. He wrote me a two page letter. He said it was easier this way.

I know how he feels, I find it easier for me that way too. You know, to put things here or in one of the 10 journals I have lying around the house.

It seems neither of us want to hurt each other but we aren't sure where to go with this relationship. How honest can we be? Will there be hurt feeling? Will I turn on him? Will he turn on me?

I say again, it can be hard raising a teenager, especially when you haven't had the luxury of raising them previously.

I know we all will work through this. They told us the honeymoon would be over in a bout 4 weeks... We're right on schedule. I always thought honeymoons were over-rated. I've been on 2... The third marriage we didn't go on one. Maybe that is why we are still together! You see, now we can now be real to each other. Now we can start to talk on a different level. I just hope Juline knows how much care. He must. I know he must.

So as I read his letter, all I could think of was the 1st verse and the course of Billy Joel's song Honesty. It just kept going through my head. As if I was listen to some AM radio station back in my grandparents apartment on Kedzie Blvd.

I wrote Julien a 3 page reply. I must have taken it on and off his bed at least a dozen times.
I copied these lyrics for him. It just seemed to fit.


If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

So the whole Billy Joel, grandma's house, Kedzie Blvd and the fact that Julien will turn 17 year old this weekend has got me thinking of my own birthday next month...

and my age
and my friends
and my childhood
and what I want
and what I have
and who I am
and who I will never be

Now don't tell anyone, but when I was prepubescent I listened to a great deal of Billy Joel. I always wanted to be the woman he sang about. He seemed to sing about strong women, even if they were bitches. (you had to be a big shot) Women who had inner beauty (she's always a woman to me; just the way your are) Woman who new what they wanted or at least had a chance of getting it. (Vienna waits for you) Women who were okay with their sexuality (I don't want to be alone anymore) Woman who are desired and loved (she's got a way about her)

I think back at all the things I've been through in my short time on this earth, and the one thing I can say is I have had the privilege of love in my life. I have had excitement of a one night stand with the impossible man, -- you know the one everyone else wants to go home with. I have been desired by men and nothing came of it except knowing the connection was missed and we look back and wonder what if. I found my soul mate and have had the wonderful privilege of being in his life for the past 9 year. Some people never even find that person -- I cant tell you how lucky I know that makes me.

Two-- well now three-- wonderful children that God has given me the awesome power and privilege of raising.

I have had the best relationships in the world with my friends. Donna, Kathy, Kathy, Jack, Deeann. I have real friends I can turn to when life is a sad sopping mess of sin sand and suet.

My life here on this planet had been difficult to say the least; that has made me strong and sensitive. I am today strong enough to ware my heart on my sleeve and dare to be hurt for the sake of love and friendship. I don't know if I could have said that a year ago.

So today, I'll go about my business. I'll work and go to rotary. I'll watch Julien run, and go to his open house at the high school. I'll help Zach and Beth with their homework. I'll kiss my husband as he comes through the door after work and admire the mustache he is growing.

But through it all ... I'll be in a "New York state of mind"