Happy Swiss National Day
"How you doing Mouse"
"Oh I'm hanging in there"
"Bet you miss him"
"Of course, but he emails once in a while, I mean its only been one week 9 hours a 4 minutes since the last time I saw him"
"Oh, I'm sure he misses you too"
Well, you see folks that's not the point. The point is I am really trying to get my life back to normal. I am really trying to lavish my family with all the attention they wanted an felt I didn't share with them the past 11 months. I am trying to keep busy! Look... look at what I've been doing....
I went and took Liaison training...
(liaison, french word, he is part french, thinking of him again errrrrr)
...so that I could prepare for the new AFS students who are coming. They wont live with us but we can get to know them and learn from them like we learned from....
And I have work, I been working
And I put in my application for the leader postion in England
And I've been cleaning
And helping out with getting the kids ready for school
And cooking, I've been cooking
And, and, and.....okay, this would just be so much easier if I didn't dream.
That's what started this all this whole mess this morning. I was doing okay. I was getting things done. I was trying to think of how good it must be for him to be home and stuff and then he pops right into my dreams and I wake up in tears again.
Why?
Simple.
We use to talk to each other about our dreams. We would sort them out together. There were a few times I had dreams that were almost a premonitions-- and I'd say "Hey foreign kid, do you know someone with dark hair and green eyes? Well, be careful around them today" and he'd be all freaked out 'cause there was a kid like that and the was something that happened the day before that I didn't know about but I did subconsciously. (deep breaths mouse, deep breaths, tears arn't good for the key board, remember it's a laptop, compose... compose...)
I just thougth those things would stop once he was gone. I didn't think I'd dream about him. But I did, I have, and I really don't want to bother him because in my dream I am looking for him at the beach, cause I band is playing and I found Zach and Beth, but not him, just his wet cloths. And sea shells, lots of shells. So to be honest, I think he is on a bit of a holiday (well ya, because of the dream!) And there all older people smoking and playing cards. So I could write him, but I don't want to be a pest. I know he needs to get his life back there. I'm not that selfish.
So here it is guys... give me your best "there there's" I woke up in tears and I have not one good reason to do so, and it sucks.... HE'S NOT DEAD!!!! ITS NOT LIKE HE DOESN'T LIKE ME OR THINK OF ME---I KNOW ALL THIS-- AND IF I KNOW ALL THIS WHY THE HELL AM I CRYING?
I know all these thing logically. Even when he comes back, it will be wonderful, but it will be different. That is just how life is, wonderful and changing and growing.
Okay, I'm a little better now, im puttin on some tunes and dancing around the house-- maybe i just need to go out a bit? You know what I mean? Get out without the family and dance, live, remember I am so much more that all this.
I can get through this.
15 comments:
Wonderful, changing, growing and dreams are good!
I know where you're at (I think) and yes you will get through it by being positive.
Oh boy, am I going to put my foot in it with this one...
Years ago (about twenty), I had a major role in a Cole Porter musical. I was cast as the ingenue, a sweet, naive young thing who is rather swept off her feet by a "god" of a guy (the show was "Out of This World", not often done, but quite hilarious - or at least our production of it was). I shared rides to rehearsals with that fellow, who happened to be certifiably nuts. He was also handsome and charming. By the final night of the show, my reality and the show's reality were significantly blurred, which usually does happen when you're doing a show and is part of the fun of it. Friendly, cast-member goodnight hugs became kisses, and those "goodnights" filled my thoughts and dreams. Okay, it never got completely out of hand, and (thankfully) reality eventually whacked me over the head. I'll spare you the rest of the gory details. Husband and I are still happily married, and the "actor" remains a friend.
My point: Whoa, girl! Seems to me you got something from your Swiss Mister that you're longing for from some other members of the household. Not that you've done anything wrong, but just listen to what you write. It sounds an awful lot like a lover pining for a love lost, and of course one of the things lovers share is secrets and the intimacies of thought. I can't imagine that your husband would be too happy if he read your post, and he's probably less than thrilled by what he sees when you're moping around the house. (I told you I was going to put my foot in it...)
Okay, mouth flapped, foot inserted, and now I'm ducking...
I am sorry you're so sad. The joy of intimacy with an interesting person is delightful, and its end must be pretty hard to bear. Pretty soon, though, I hope you step back and take a good bite of the reality sandwich. You are a mature woman, and you are not this darling boy's ideal playmate.
I hope you'll forgive my outspoken comment - if not right now, then maybe in a month or so. You are a passionate, energetic and interesting woman, and I sense that your present pain is not exactly rooted where you say it is.
Shit. This sure isn't the "there there" you asked for.
You should "get out ... and dance, live, and remember you are so much more than all this." As for doing that "WITHOUT the family"? Interesting you should say that.
And you know what? You're right.
You can get through this, but I wouldn't place too much credibility on your present reality.
Good luck, kiddo. Feel free to tell Auntie Wizard to G.F.H., but know that I wrote this out of concern and affection.
Hey Mouse - when my son first went off to college, I could not stop thinking about him either. I cried non-stop the first week pretty much - well, at least anytime I stopped to think about him, which was 24/7. I tried to imagine what he was doing, who he was talking to, what his days were like. Fortunately, we talked on the phone a lot, but like you, I didn't want to be a pest. He was on his own and didn't want to be bugged constantly by Mommy. I tried to give him his space, though I must admit I didn't do a very good job of it for the first month or so. When I was finally able to not call him daily, to not obsess about him, which took a long time, I found that he would initiate the calls or emails. He missed having me to bounce things off us as much as I missed having him do that. I thought I'd die when he went to France for 3 months, but we stayed in touch via cell phone and email, and it was bearable. I suspect that Julien will miss and want the connection you two shared as much as you do, and that he will initiate contact more often than you might think. It's early still. He's only just left one week ago. I think you should stop worrying about being a pest and stay in touch with him as often as you need to, because believe it or not, he probably needs it as much as you do right now. At least for me, I knew we'd always be connected. He IS my son, after all. I do understand your feelings and fears - there is no blood tie to bind him to you. You worry that he will grow away from you, will get so wrapped up in his "normal" life that he'll think of you less and less as time goes by. So, don't let that happen. He's young, and young people do tend to let things slide, so sometimes we grown-ups need to keep things going until they grow up enough to realize that connections to people are the most important things in life.
So...be a pest, Mouse. Stop worrying about that. If Julien finds it annoying, he simply won't reply as often as you'd like him to. I don't think that will happen, so be a pest. And hang in there.... it does get easier. It just takes time - a lot more time than a week.
I'll give you as many "there's" as you need, because 2 is SO not gonna cut it.
In fact, I can send you one full box of "there's" today, and then another after my next payday. You've earned them.
I wish I had something to add here, but I don't. So I'll just say that I think you're nice.
I'd say there, there, but I want a guarantee I'll get one, too. I'm missing someone, too, and not liking it one bit. Not one bit.
Ebez -- change is the only constant!
Wizard-- wow, so I read my post again, and to be very honest, I appreciate your concern,and I think you are missing my point. Monday night, at my training, there were 5 of us there (my husband and myself included) 3 of us longed to be back with our students. One of the host moms sat with her knees to her chest, holding herself, tears in her eyes as she figured out what time it was in Guam. The other two, my husband and another host mom didnt make the same connections with their students. Our trainer, who has hosted 7 students (starting in 1989) told of the one she was gald to see go, and of the various degrees of closness she shared with the others.
Yes, much like a lover, or close friend a song or a moment will make you think of them. I remember Swiss's real mom writing me about a trip to the store, she bought cookies -- her husband said why did you buy those? she said for Julien, and I she let the words out of her mouth, she realized he was not there.
If this is wrong, I hope I am wrong twice more with my two younger children. I cry on the first day of school-- still! I cry when they go to camp. I worry about them when they are gone with their birth father and I talk openly with them. My daugher and I just went to a concert together and my daughter, were we not ideal playmates?
2 more things b4 I go. I received an email from one of swiss son's friends. She sent some pictures and I noticed that at most of the events where they gathered (swiss, her and about a half dozen other friends) I was there. Not because I had to be, but because I was asked to be! I hope my own two kids want me to share their teen years like that!
As for my husband-- you are right, he hates to see me sad. I have said b4, how he feels about my blog is his opinion. I write what I feel and I dont edit (like you coundt tell) I am sure he is happy there is one less kid to take attention away from him. But he is leaving me this weekend to go fishing. I just would rather own the situation and make plans than to feel the whole world is leaving me at once and the last time I spent time with the girls I believe I posted pictures, it was winter, March I believe.
Gina-- That could have been my entry! Things go well and then BAM and im upset again. And yes, the blood tie thing is the big -what if-. Thank you so much for letting me know Im not the only one!
JP I really really really needed that.
Iwanski--nice is good, thankyou
Bugwit-- you have your school work to think of -- except for every other moment, right?
Hey, Mouse, I'm glad you replied. : ) How about if I give you a "there, there" and add that I never thought you did anything wrong - just got a sense from reading what you wrote that maybe you weren't facing some realities, but your reply removes my concerns.
I'm rushing to get off on a trip (taking husband's mom back to NYC), so can't write more.
Any kid would be lucky to have you for a mom.
Sounds like you were very close. What a wonderful mother.
Be proud and keep growing, Its your time too!
You know what you need? You need a little trip. You know, someplace fabulous that you've never been to before. And when you go there you should hook up with friends and celebrate something terrific, like a big birthday or something. Yeah. And there would be good food and music and wine at this party, see? And that and all the laughter and being surrounded by really nice people, including some who think you're da bomb, would be a really nice tonic for you.
That's what I think.
I wish I could say something to make it all better. Like you said, it's not like he doesn't exist anymore, but your're still having to go through the process of a loss.
The thing about losses is that they become a part of us; part of our identity. Embrace it, because that loss is part of who you are.
There, there. . .
And like I said, he was so incredibly fortunate to have you in his life.
There there.
Their their.
They're they're
The air. The air.
I know you love the kid. I was gonna say it was a preview of the future, but you already said that.
My prediction is that you'll be OK.
Best,
A
You've had a wonderful experience and for that you miss him, but it'll get better and you'll feel better too x
Yes, exactly.
Post a Comment