July 3rd

It was the 3rd of July in the city of Chicago.

The weather was hot and clear.

This is the night the city would come alive. Thousands of people would gather down town to watch the fireworks over lake Michigan.

I got home from work and tossed my uniform on the bed. The blue vest that I adorned at the Super Value was one of the most unattractive things you ever wanted to see. I looked at in disgust, as I lit a cigarette and picked up the phone.

"We're all meeting down by the fountain!"
"What time? "
"About 10 or so."
"Will he be there?"
"Him? "
"Yes him", I answered.. blowing the smoke out in a huff.
"Well I don't know, he has been every other year. "
"I don't want to see him. "
"Awww... come on. Its not that big a deal."
"Well it is to me. "
"Don't be that way."
"I can't help it. "
"Look just meet us down there, east side of the fountain about 10, okay? "
"I'll see."

I stepped into the shower to wash the day off of me. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him or his group of friends. The parties were nice, but it was over. I wanted a real life and I didn't want him in it.

I just wouldn't go.

But I didn't want to stay in either.

I sat in my room and smoked another cigarette. The smoke lifted to the yellowed plaster ceiling. I sat on the edge of my bed, hoping the phone would ring.

It did.

It way my roommate.

He called and told me he wouldn't be around-- some big party in China town or something. So much for using him as an excuse. So much for something else to do.

So much for a sign.

I put on my white dago-t, the one will the lips that said kiss off, and my Levi jeans. It was a slow and tedious process. Why was this so hard? Maybe the roof will cave in and I wont have to do anything. Maybe the world will end... right....now...

No such luck.

I grabbed my back pack, stuffed it with an old beach towel, and headed out the door of my apartment.

This sucks.
Why are all my friends really his friends?
I hate this shit.
I hate being alone.

I walked the 3 blocks to the Rockwell Brown Line Station and boarded a south bound L train.

The train was packed, standing room only.I should have brought a book, I thought.
I should have gotten drunk or high.
I should have just turn the fuck around.

Man, this really sucks.

Why am I even on this fucking train?

The man standing next to me was talking to a very attractive women. They laughed and rubbed noses. I wanted to punch her. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to cry.

Yes, it was my idea to break up, but I didn't think it was going to be like this. You're not suppose to lose everyone. It's just not fucking fair. I know what it's really about. All the guys think it's my fault and that I'm a bitch. All the girls just want to fuck him. So let them, I don't give a shit. If they were my friends, they would have gone with me any way.

I've got to stop playing this over in my head.
Make it stop.
I just kept seeing it all over and over.
I just want it to stop.

My heart hurt.

It hurt bad.

I felt sick, I could have puked-- right there-- but I didn't.

I wanted to scream, right their, on the train. A blood curdling, fucking scream of frustration and pain and fear and loneliness. RRRRRRRRRRRRRWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR

"Next stop, Walbash"

Fuck.

No time to scream, we're here.

The train rolled into the down town station and I walked with the sea of people toward the lake.

It wasn't even like walking.

I felt as though I was pushed into the crowd and as they pushed at my shoulders my body was raised off the ground. I was being carried by the crowd. Feet off the ground.

I swearer, I don't remember walking, but I remember the movement. like a wave on the very lake I was to visit. I remember the feeling so well... just a ripple in a wave of people-- and there I was.

I stood at the stop light. The cars on Michigan avenue separated me from the fountain. It was lit up in a vibrant colors. Yellows, blues, greens, reds. As the water spouted from the fish and mermaids the colors changed.

The street light turned green. Ahead of me, at the fountain were thousands of people, behind me toward the train were thousands more. It was just about 10. The fireworks would start over the lake any minute.

It was then, as l looked at my watch, and at the crowd before me and behind me, that I made my decision.

I would stay and watch the fire works.

But on the west side of the fountain.

They may have been there, they may not have been. I will never know for sure. I did know that even if I was with them, I would have still felt alone.

Even thought the entire city of Chicago was with me that night, and even though we were all doing the same thing... I was alone.

All alone.
Alone
and angry
and scared
but mostly alone
in the crowd

You could here music from 100's of portable radios as the firework started.

The colors mimicked those of the fountain. It was all in perfect time with the music.
Loud explosions. And the sounds of the thousands of spectators, ooo's and ahh's all around me.

I just sat. Sat on my towel and watched, alone in a crowd of thousands. The world felt so strange that July night.

I was never the same after that night.

When your alone, no one can betray you

When your alone, no one can brake your heart
If your alone you don't ever have to say good bye.

That night I learned you can be alone in a crowd of thousands. That night I was alone

You can be lonely sitting next to someone who says they are your best Friend. That's even worse. Much more terrible than just being alone. I would prefer to just be alone.

Please, just leave me alone.

And if your alone, by yourself, and your lonely, then you need to learn to be better company to yourself.

To be a better friend to yourself.

'Cause, sometimes, you is all you got.

I now know, that being alone and being lonely are very different things.