Old,

First off... I feel old....

Fat
Secondly.. well, maybe not FAT, but definitely not as trim as I was just a few short month ago. Sit down jobs can suck.

Depressed... Yes... depressed
I feel like I cant do anything right at home. I feel horrible that I couldn't protect my son from his accident. Now he is back at school. At his conference I hear about a boy and he is tired and he can only do so much at once. I hear about how maybe this thing will humble him and that is good. --- bull shit---- and the biggest thing is I couldnt protect him. I let him out in the world and the world pissed on him and there is / was nothing I can do about it. And let me tell you it sucks. I hate being a mom. I hate loving someone so much you would rather die then to see them suffer and strugle.

And you know what else sucks... I'll tell you... I do this with out any "mom" of my own. You see the strong woman I have met have imparted their wisdom and knowledge on me and have left me ... THEY FUCKING LEFT ME ON THIS STINKING FUCKING PLANET TO CARRY THE BALL! Yep... they felt I was ready to hide my tears and tell everyone how it was all going to be okay.... and yea I know ... it REALLY is all going to be okay... BUT I DONT LIKE THE FUCKING WAIT GOD!!! ARE YOU LISTENTING?? UMMM WELL GOD IF YOU ARE LISTENING ... WHY MY SON???? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? CAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AT THIS POINT! GET A LAYWER? SUFFER THOUGHT FINANCIAL RUIN? CURSE YOU SOME MORE? I'M TAKING UP MY CROSS--- BUT COULD YOU PLEASE WHERE YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT? A LITTLE DIRECTION WOULD BE NICE LORD!

This is where I now try to find a video for Friday, because I am excaping into Chicago.. yep more guilt... see it is Halloween and I should be home with my kids... but I NEED to get away and be with grown ups and talk about how I am feeling.. or ... or.....