The hardest thing in my life right now is not having a trusted elder to turn to.

I have always been self-sufficient.  I had to do it on my own and stand by my own decisions. It worked pretty well for a long time.  It worked well until I gave birth to the most beautiful children in the world, and then I had to stand for them.  That can make you thing twice about what you do and how you do it.

Not having been parented myself, having to figure out how to parent has been more error then trial I am afraid.  At least when my elders were among the living, I could ask what they would do and how they would handle things.  Now, let's face it, the advise was not always good.  As a matter of fact it was quite lousy at time.  Yet even with lousy advise, I could clarify things in my own mind.  I could look and say, "Wow, that is really shitty!  I am not going to do that!"

I feel I just don't have a sounding board anymore.  I have people who love me and care about me, but they are use to me being strong and always having the right answers, and sometimes -- many times as of late -- I have no answers, I only have uncertainty.

So I read the books and I try to reflect on my own life. E, not working so well.   I try to think what would they say to me?

What would my Dad say?
What would Vonda say?
What would my Grandma say?

What advise would they give me? 

I think that is where it gets really tough for me.  They all would tell me I am doing great and that they don't have to worry about me because they know I will make the correct decisions and things will be just fine.

Sometimes, it would be nice--- not just to hear that again, but to feel that again.