Matriarch Wanted, apply within

The other day I was overcome by a feeling of sadness and loneliness.

I wanted desperately to pick up the phone and call my Grandma.

My sister and I were raised by my grandparents since I was about 3. They took us in to prevent us from being put into foster care. It was right after one of our parents episodes. Except this time, law enforcement got involved. Grandpa stayed home and cooked, Grandma worked at Sunbeam, and kept the family together.

Grandma taught me more about being a self sufficient woman than book or idol of the early 1970's. Grandma knew what it meant to work inside and out side of the home. She knew when to keep her mouth shut, and when to scream to the roof tops. She prayed and cursed daily -- and not necessarily in that order.

She encouraged me to get out on my own. She would tell me she knew she never had to worry about me -- and it made me angry. Why not worry about me ? Aren't I good enough to worry about? Grandma was the queen of worry!

When I had children of my own, we would fight about how I would tell them no. I hurt her feelings more than once in my life, and I will always regret that. If she were here, she would tell me I only spoke the truth and to never apologize for that.

When I had moved away, and my marriage was on the rocks, she told me "You don't want to be an old lady on your death bed with a head full of regrets."

When she had grown older, and my kids were off to preschool, I would call her every morning and we would talk as I cleaned my kitchen and drank my coffee. We would share secrets and dreams.

She would always say "If I could make it through March, I will make it another year." She never made it to that March in 1999.

I can still hear her cigarette shrilled voice with the lilting song at the end of each sentence. How ever did she do that?

The Matriarch of my family is gone. Now my children are getting ready for their own adventures as my oldest is in his Jr year of highschool and my other is in her freshman year. I wish I could call grandma and tell her thank you for the example she set, but I think she knows how I feel.

I miss you Grandma. Thank you. I love you.