Stage Fright

Well, the time has finally arrived. My son Zach will have his debut on the High School stage. Okay, it may not be a big deal to most, but you see my son isn't in High School-- he is in the 6th grade!
The play "Bye Bye Birdie"
His character Randolph-- the little brother!

Zach doesn't appear to have any stage fright. He is excited about finally being able to perform in front of an audience, instead of just in front of the director. This isn't Zach's first time on stage so I'm not surprised he is taking it so well.

But there is a great deal of another kind of stage fright for his mom. You see I am terribly worried he will be disappointed. Disappoint at the amount of people in attendance or the amount of applause. Other people never really appreciate what you do in life-- and then disappointed starts. When you look to the outside for your self worth. Zach is 12 years old. He's at that age. Disappointment is knocking on his little pre-teen door.

The first disappointment came this morning, when my father called and said he would not be coming out to attended the performance. He just isn't feeling well. It's really not that big of a deal-- except my dad made it so. You see he had to start out the conversation on how I would think ..."You thought I was a lousy dad and now your going to think I'm a lousy grand dad if I don't go. And I just don't feel good. So I'm dammed if I do and I'm dammed if I don't"

Well here is the thing-- I love my family unconditionally and I don't think they get that.

My childhood-when it comes to my relationship with my parents- is a memory of disappointments and dread. I was disappointed when my parents didn't show up and when they did, I would sit there with dread wondering the condition they were going to be in!

As I work on becoming an adult, there are a few things I have discovered. The first is I can change my underwear but I cant change my family. I love them, to spite their shortcomings. They are who they are. I love them for that. I may not like their action or agree with their philosophies, but my love has become unconditional.

Second, I don't want to be "that" kind of parent. I try not to make promises to my kids, rather I let them know I'll try my best. I try to talk with them about the big picture. I don't show up to school functions dressed too outrageously or fucked-up. This part is easy-- I remember what made me uncomfortable as I child and I don't do those types of things to my kids.

Third, I've discovered I have hard time sheltering my own kids from these types of disappointments, even if I'm not the bad guy. This whole thing of protecting my kids been harder than I thought.

I forget that it's not just me and my husband who have an influence on these kids. They have their dad, who doesn't participate in hardly any of their events; they have a step mom who really resents the time that their dad spends with them-- oh did I mention she thinks I'm a bitch because my kids have a life and I wont cower to her ways; and then there is my husband's father who doesn't like the whole school activity thing; then there is my dad--- who has some of his drunk traits even thought he is sober. And don't get me started on the rest-- there are teachers, other kids, other kids parents, sports figures, politicians, fictional characters they see on TV, -- The list goes on and on. So these people go on with there lives not knowing how their actions, or inactions, or their inability to communicate, effects the feeling and lives of these little impressionable people. And here I am, at least for my own children, I'm left holding the bag and picking up the pieces.

Mom has Stage fright

Stage fright, having to tell my son his grandpa wont be here

Stage fright, not making an excuse for grandpa

Stage fright, letting my son know he is loved

Stage fright, not crying, thinking of my own childhood and disappointments

Stage fright, trying to be a parent

break a leg Zach!
I'll be right here watching you!
I love you!
We all love you!
break a leg Zach!
break a leg!